Thursday, May 30, 2013

One way I made my workday more fun


Edit: apparently this blog decided it would be cool to resize my images below so that you can't see all of the interesting or relevant parts of the images....but I can see them....I'm leaving them in though. So you can share my frustration.

I use a spreadsheet all day every day at work that, really, no one else sees. Its a daily log that i clear out at the end of each day. It's boring. 
So I decided to give myself a little encouragement and enjoyment throughout the day in a non-predictable pattern, because everything else on my sheet is boring day after day. Here's what I did:

In this bright yellow box on the right (j3:k6), I have a randomly-generated message. That message is pulled from a bank on a separate sheet (in my case I named that other sheet "Text").

My formula has two ranges it pulls from. Column B has salutary, "Good Morning" type messages (you'll see how I used them here in a minute, and column A has all the other messages. 

So, if a2 is blank, which, after the column heading is my first job position, then the cell is blank, otherwise, if the second job position is blank (a3), that is, after the first job but before the second, it pulls a message from column B on the "Text" sheet. Otherwise, that is, if a2 and a3 are neither one blank, it pulls a message from column A.

Now the randomizing bit is there, and it's pretty simple: 
Say your list of cells you want to randomly display is a1:a5, then your function would be:

=index(a1:a5, rand()*rows(a1:a5)+1)



Thursday, March 21, 2013

North Sea Oil Figures and Scottish Independence

We're well over a year from the 2014 referendum on Scotland's independence (in fact it was announced today that the date will be 18 September), but already debate is raging, and I am fascinated. As an American, I have no horse in this race, and I can't really say which outcome I'd like to see (not that it would matter much to anyone if I did). If I'm being honest, I'd have to say I like the romanticized notion of an independent Scotland. However, the issues, when you begin to investigate them, are complex, and thus the decision Scotland must now make is not so clear-cut. I intend to write more about it, but I'm starting with just one portion of the debate, because of concerns about the length of my posts. I'm hoping, by the way, to be corrected on anything I've said here that may be wrong, misguided, or just plain stupid. If you have a concern, let me have it!

One key piece of the debate is how the new nation can fare economically. And no small part of determining that question is to determine what future revenues from North Sea oil will be. To that end projections have been made. Now, this becomes a problem very quickly. On the one hand because predicting the economic future is fraught with all kinds of problems, but more importantly for the present purpose: two radically different projections have emerged. One projection, endorsed and used by the No Campaign, is perhaps unfairly pessimistic, which, of course, supports their political cause. And one projection, endorsed and used by the Yes Campaign, is perhaps unfairly optimistic, which, of course supports their political cause.

This issue is obviously of vital importance to Scotland, because how well the new country would be able to support itself is paramount in deciding whether to choose independence and manage this revenue alone, or to remain part of the UK if there isn't going to be enough to run the government. Clearly it is important, but not, I don't think, particularly helpful.

The reason I don't think it is helpful is, for one thing, the difference between the numbers means that it's very likely that one or both of them is flawed. Another reason, which to be honest is more suspicion than anything, is that these figures won't change anyone's mind anyway.

With respect to this first point, that it's very likely that one or both of these numbers is flawed, well, it might be interesting in a gossip column kind of way to follow the money trail behind these two figures and the organizations that produced them and find evidence of profound bias or even corruption. That may well happen anyway. Even if it does happen, it doesn't help anything. It doesn't answer the real questions about what the real state of affairs with North Sea oil will be, or what the Scottish voters should decide on referendum day. The most that it should bring about is to make figures within the debate look untrustworthy. That is not the same thing at all as deciding the issue (though obviously it could have an effect when votes are cast. That is the unfortunate difference between what is and what ought to be).

Regarding that second point, that these figures won't persuade anyone: this is a fear I'm carrying with me as part of my American baggage: people will only pay attention to the facts that it is convenient to pay attention to, and when compelled to pay attention to inconvenient facts, they rework them to fit their existing narrative. The result of this is a breakdown of discourse. We can't have a meaningful discussion about something, if we can't agree on what the something we're discussing is to begin with. We have to at least be talking in the same reality.

If that explanation of why I don't think it will be persuasive is itself too speculative to be persuasive, here's an alternative reason for thinking so, at least for now: we don't yet know in detail what the nature of the new government will be and how much will be "enough" to run it, what sources the revenue could come from, etc. in order to know which point the number must be above in order for a Yes vote to not be irresponsible. That is the key: having defined Yes/No parameters, that is whenever it is appropriate to discuss the future of oil prices.

It avoids the more fundamental question, though, which is this: if all of the concerns were addressed to everyone's satisfaction, then should Scotland become an independent state? In other words, does the outcome of oil revenue determine the entire thing? It's a much more difficult question. It is THE question. But I think framing it in these terms gives undecideds a groundwork for making a decision.

Monday, March 4, 2013

Site recommendation: Nizkor

Nizkor is a site dedicated to educating about the holocaust and combating hatred. They offer a great many resources, free educational materials, and so forth. I'm particularly happy that they also offer a list of informal argumentative fallacies: http://www.nizkor.org/features/fallacies/index.html#index

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Why People are so Nasty to One Another About What they Decide to Post Online

Here's how it happens:

Level 1: for a while people just post whatever they like onto the Internet, right? Because it's so vast, and so many people partake in its vastness, trends emerge in the ways people use the Internet to express themselves. These trends expand. People start to notice the trends. People start to get annoyed by the trends. Then:

Level 2: People start mocking the trends, calling out the internet cliches. But again, the Internet is vast. Trends emerge in mocking Internet trends, which people begin to notice and get annoyed by. Then:

Level 3: People start mocking the people who are mocking the initial trends....
&c.

Listen: just chill out, people. Stop depriving yourself and others of joy by heap commentary on top of commentary. Quit repeating things until they appear meaningless. Try to remember there's another person on the other side of that post with real emotions and personal issues. And most importantly: ignore me entirely.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Workplace Tips for Being Funny & Making Everyone Love You

1) Be Sarcastic
They say sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, but you don't care about that, do you? Your coworkers are idiots, I know. Besides, the lowest form of wit is still wit, right?
Here's a classic: When someone accuses you of being sarcastic say, "I don't even know what sarcasm means," but, and here's the key, when you say it, say it sarcastically. Master this, and you've got the comedic Midas Touch, my friend.

2) "That's what she said."
Use it! No one has ever gotten tired of this, despite our best attempts to kill it, so use it often. One TWSS per six sentences is the ideal ratio.

3) LOLcats
If the Internet has taught us anything, it's that people find misspelled words in inappropriate grammatical constructions to be adorable. Mimic this idiotic trend. It might not be funny, but it will make everyone everywhere love you for always.

4) Arbitrarily Insult
This is dangerous. Some coworkers report things to HR, and some carry guns. Use with extreme caution.
Now, everyone has something slightly odd about them. Find that thing about someone, exaggerate it, and mock it. If you smile when you say it, people will be okay with it. Once that happens you will be allowed to say oddly malicious things at work with impunity.

5) Mock Your Superiors
Listen: you aren't the only one with an unwarranted belief that you deserve a promotion. Yes, everyone is just as delusional as you are. Mocking your boss taps into these feelings, making your coworkers laugh, and making them like you. That's a double whammy.

6) Fake Inability to Hear
If the subject of not being able to hear something comes up, ALWAYS say "huh?" or "what?" This is the evergreen of workplace comedy.
If you have an accomplice, one of you can say "Come again?" and the other can say, "That's what she said." Another double whammy!

7) Respond to Someone Who is On the Phone
Easy to start, but hard to maintain. When someone answers their phone, "Hello," say back to them, "Hello" and continue interacting with them. This will require some improvisation, but the comedic benefits will outweigh the risk of failure, particularly if you are able to completely derail the other person's conversation.

8) Send New People to Look for Equipment That Doesn't Exist
"This memo is too long. I need the paper stretcher to make it all fit on one page." Need I say more?

9) Forward Hilarious Emails Other Comedic Gurus Send You
You can't always appear to come up with things on your own, but you can show your coworkers just how good your taste is.

10) Be Arrogant
Respond to every compliment with "I know."

11) Make Lopsided Lists
Never end a list of anything on an even multiple of five.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Stand Up Appearances 9.25-10.1.110

Hi folks!
I figured I'd post a list of upcoming stand up shows/open mics I'm participating in for this coming week. I'm gonna try and keep this up, so check back.

9.25 Louisville Comedy Underground 9pm $? The Bard's Town
9.27 Bard's Town Variety Shack 8pm FREE The Bard's Town
9.28 Caravan RAW 8pm $3 Comedy Caravan
9.30 The Young, Dumb, and Full of Comedy Show (on the spot competition) 9:30pm $3 The Bard's Town

(all of these are in Louisville, for the unaware).

Sorry to be so self-promotional, but it's a blog. I mean, isn't the point to blather incessantly about yourself and your ideas?